Not Tonight, Not Ever
by nothing-rhymes-with-ianto
Summary: Brian's thoughts during the end of 5.10. Sort-of character study and sort-of filler.
1. Chapter 1

Brian flipped through a magazine in the back of the limo, trying to decide what he'd do first when he got to Australia. Soon he'd be on a plane to down under, fucking plenty of guys and missing nothing and no one. What outfit should he wear first? He frowned at an article about some random anorexic celebrity he didn't give a shit about. The chord of alert on the radio caught his attention, but he continued reading, just barely listening to the announcer's voice.

"This just in from WDBX news. There's been an explosion at Babylon, a local gay club," Brian looked up, suddenly very alert. Maybe one of the electrics had busted. "Where a political fundraiser was underway tonight." Brian squinted at the radio, as if that could help him understand better what was going on. "Authorities fear there may be many injuries, possibly fatalities." Brian's eyes widened a fraction. _Justin. Justin was there._ He gripped the back of the seat hard.

"Turn around." He commanded to the driver, giving him directions to Babylon. He couldn't sit still. There was a buzzing hum of adrenaline and fear in his gut. Justin. Justin was the only word in his mind, the only thought. He closed his eyes, trying to take a breath and calm his nerves, but the picture that flashed on his closed eyelids was Justin curled on the cement in his tux, blood surrounding his head like a halo, a soiled ivory scarf, the sunshine gone. He opened his eyes and shook his head.

With a shaking hand, he fished his cell phone out of his pocket. He hit speed dial 2 and put the phone to his ear, holding his breath. One ring. Two rings.

"Pick up, Justin, come on. Pick up. Please pick up."

"You've reached Justin Taylor. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can!"

"Fuck!" He dialed again, same message. Trembling fingers placed the phone back in his pocket and he ran and hand through his hair, breathing out heavily, trying to calm his rapidly beating heart.

His breath caught as they neared the club. The driver slowed and stopped. Brian hurried out of the car, taking long strides into the crowd of shaken people on the sidewalk. He looked around, uncertain of where to go, what was happening. His eyes skimmed the crowd, searching frantically for the shock of golden hair that would make everything okay. Instead he saw a different blond head.

"Jennifer." He pushed past a few shaken patrons. "Jennifer! Jennifer!" She looked up. He took her in his arms.

"Oh my god, you cant believe-"

"Are you alright?" _Is Justin alright?_ He knew his eyes were asking. Her voice was pitched up with shock and worry.

"Justin's still in there. You gotta find him." He pushed away from her, racing through the crowd toward the smoky building. He pushed his way into Babylon, trying to see everywhere at once, but his thoughts were focused on one person.

"Justin!" He yelled into the smoke, trying to cover his face. A firefighter grabbed his arm but he shook it off. He had to find Justin. "Justin!" _Please dont let anything happen to him. Please._

He looked around, scrutinizing a man on stretcher, making sure it wasn't his Sunshine. Then he recognized a man comforting someone.

"Ted? Ted! What the fuck happened?" He shook the man.

"I don't know."

"Have you seen Justin?" Ted shook his head. Now Brian was practically frantic_. Please don't let anything happen to him._ He pushed away and covered his mouth again, moving through the rubble, checking the faces of the people passing by him. Screams of pain and cries for help surrounded him. He saw bloody glass on the ground, looked forward to see someone covering a body. _Oh god, what if he-_

He made the mistake of looking up, only to see a firefighter checking a scorched corpse lying on the catwalk. Brian covered his mouth to keep from screaming. Sparks exploded to his right, and he did a double take. A young man was ducking out of a corner, helping support an injured patron. Sunshine. Brian hurried over, reaching out, grabbing Justin and pulling him close. He was alive. Even though he didn't want to, he pulled back, placing a hand on Justin's face. The side of Justin's head was bloody.

"Are you hurt?" He sounded frantic, even to himself. He put a hand to Justin's head.

"No, just scratches." Justin said dazedly, pulling Brian's hand away. "Have you seen my mother?"

"She's okay. She's outside. She's looking for you." He was shaking. He could barely make a coherent sentence. Justin was okay. He was alive and unhurt. He saw Emmett approach them.

"Oh, there you are, Baby. Thank god. I was worried sick." Emmett brushed Justin's arm. Brian looked up. Michael. Where was Michael?

"Have you seen Michael?"

"Em?" Justin asked, worried. Emmett looked at them, the expression on his face one of fear and worry and shock.

"Emmet!" Brian grabbed his friend and shook him. He stared at him. Emmett looked dazedly toward the door, nearly in tears. Brian let go of him and ran out. He hurried through the crowd, looking for Michael. Oh my god. He joined Debbie, staring down at Michael, unconscious and dirty on a stretcher. Things were moving to fast, he didn't know what to feel.

"Hurry, please!" Debbie's frantic voice brought him back. He looked at Ben, who was staring at his husband bleakly, blinking back tears.

"Debbie, they're doing the best they can." Carl said. They loaded Michael into the ambulance. Brian looked on as Ben moved to get in. An EMT stopped him.

"I'm riding with him. I'm his partner." Ben stated.

"Come on, get in." The EMT helped him into the ambulance, then the doors shut and the lights and sound faded as the ambulance rushed away.

Debbie turned toward Carl, imploring. "Get to the hospital, go please."

"I cant, I'm on duty. Get one of the boys to take you." Brian snapped out of his shocked stupor. Brian put his arm around her.

"I'll take you." He led her to the car. He didn't want to leave Justin. God, he didn't want to leave Justin. But they weren't together anymore, he had to remind himself of that, and Justin could take care of himself. They rushed to the hospital.

At the hospital, everything was moving so fast, but it all seemed to be going in slow motion. Brian arrived with Debbie. Debbie rushed to Ben, to ask him what was happening, but Brian just stood there. He knew he was sort of in shock, but he couldn't move. _Michael. Fucking Christ._ He shook his head. Get a grip on yourself, Kinney.

He watched helplessly as doctors and nurses rushed in and out. He watched as Debbie's sobs of worry turned into hiccups and then she and Ben were both staring out at nothing. He leaned over the counter, asking anyone what the hell was going on, was Michael okay. No one answered. Debbie got up and began to pace. Brian put a hand on Ben's shoulder, trying to comfort the man. He loved Michael almost as much as Ben did. Ben looked up in thanks.

He watched Debbie pace, unable to do anything. He knew she felt trapped. He'd felt the same way five years ago when Justin- No, he couldn't think about Justin now. He had to stay focused on Michael. A doctor exited Michael's room and he and Ben stood and stepped closer to the doctor.

"Well?" Brian was the first to find his voice. The doctor took a breath.

"He's lost a lot of blood. Before we can do anything he's going to need a transfusion."

Shit. Seriously? He thought of Mikey lying there, helpless. "Well, what the fuck are you waiting for?"

"Well, he's AB negative, we're short on his type, so we're checking other hospitals."

He looked at Debbie. She shook her head. Shit. Well, fuck waiting. He knew he could do something.

"Okay. I'm O negative. That's the universal donor, right?" He grabbed a surgical tube and wrapped it around his arm. The doctor nodded, then tugged nervously at his ear.

"Are you gay?" Brian stared at him incredulously? What the fuck kind of time was it to ask that question?

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"You know you cant give blood because of HIV." Ben answered.

"I don't have HIV." Brian's voice was clipped.

"It doesn't matter." The doctor began edging away. "Gays are considered to be too high of a risk." Brian grabbed the doctor's arm.

"What about all those straight studs and bitches who fuck around and don't use protection? You take there blood, right?" This rule was bullshit.

"It's an FDA regulation." The doctor stated. Fuck that.

"Brian-" Melanie tried to cut in softly.

"I don't give a shit!" He had to help Michael. He had to. The doctor wrenched away from Brian's grip and began to walk away. He tried to run after the man, ready to pull his limbs off, but was intercepted by Ben. "Take my blood, motherfucker!"

"Brian! Look, you couldn't give even if you were straight. You had cancer." Brian heard Ben through his haze of anger and stared toward his best friend's room. He couldn't do anything.

He sat down in a daze stared at the wall.


	2. Chapter 2

After about an hour, Brian still hadn't said anything. He couldn't. He was afraid if he opened his mouth, he'd scream. Or worse, cry. He stood up and looked at Ben, who nodded, seeming to understand.

"Chapel." He said softly. Brian nodded and walked away from the group, looking for the hospital chapel. He found it and stepped inside. Debbie was sitting alone in a chair, staring at the candles. He sat beside her, letting out a worried sigh. She turned to look at him.

"As you know, I've always been a good Catholic girl. Even though when it comes to gays and abortion, I think they're full of shit. But still, I always thought that God knew best, and there was a reason for everything he does. But, um, this time I'm not so sure why he let this happen to Michael, and the others. So, this time, I'm not asking him. I'm tellin' him. To see that Michael gets through this."

Brian stared at nothing. God, Michael. He couldn't bear the thought of losing his best friend. He turned slightly toward Debbie. He couldn't decide if her voice was comforting or grating on his thoughts.

"You notice I didn't say 'My son Michael.' Because it's not for me. It's for him."

He pushed through his own anguish and took Debbie's hand in his own. She turned to him. "You wanna say a prayer?"

He smiled at the thought. For some reason it seemed even more ridiculous than usual. "No." He wondered what the hell kind of god would do this to his best friend, and bit his lip, trying not to let the tears spill over. He took a breath and looked up. "If you know what's good for you," he nearly laughed, but the lump in his throat hitched and he tried again not to cry. "You better fucking listen to her."

He felt a whimper rise in his throat and pushed it down by clearing it. He sniffled a bit. Debbie looked back at the candles.

They were silent for a while, just trying to comfort each other. Brian was trying not to think about what would happen if he lost Michael, what might've happened if he'd lost Justin. Debbie seemed to read his mind.

"Where's Sunshine? Is he okay?" she asked softly. He sucked his lips into his mouth, a nervous gesture.

"He's alright. He's still at Babylon. I think he's helping the paramedics." She let out a long breath.

"Thank god he's alive and well." He felt a whimper rise again and cleared his throat. She gave him a look. He stood and squeezed her shoulder.

"Thanks, ma." He said softly. She kissed him on the cheek. He ran a hand across her shoulder and left.


	3. Chapter 3

After checking with Ben to make sure he'd call if anything happened, Brian hurried out of the hospital. He grabbed a taxi and hurried towards Babylon. The street was now blocked off, so he had to walk the block to get to the club. He followed the sirens and smoke, and hurried toward the club, taking long determined strides. He wasn't frantic now, but he sure as hell wasn't calm. The fear of losing Justin was still there, gnawing in his bones, grating at the back of his mind, sizzling, electric in the pit of his stomach.

He walked a little slower, looking for Justin. His senses seemed to have tunneled, everything was both muted but at the same time, too bright, too loud, too strong. The flashing lights hurt his eyes and illuminated the destruction before him. Sirens and radios, people talking and the rumble of engines filled his ears. He couldn't smell or taste anything but the angry grey of smoke. He spotted Sunshine as the young man turned around. His face and hair were covered in soot, and he was wearing a Paramedics jacket that bagged around his arms and shoulders. Their eyes met and the pull was strong. Brian stared at Justin, amazed that he was alright, and again dazed by the damage.

"Is Michael gonna be okay?" Justin asked when they were standing face to face.

"They don't know." Brian answered. And he couldn't stop himself from wrapping his arms around Justin, pulling him close.

They held each other. Brian inhaled Justin's scent, the scent he longed for. He tightened his grip on Justin's jacket, assuring himself of the fact that Justin was there in his arms, solid and alive and okay. That he wouldn't have to go through the pain and terrible despair of almost losing him again. He thought back to the fear that had gripped him as he had walked through the burnt club, the awful thought that he might've been-

They separated. Brian ran his hands down Justin's arms, unable to stop touching him. Fear of losing his Sunshine still thrummed through Brian's veins.

"When I heard what happened, I tried to call you on your cell, but, you didn't answer." Brian looked down, feeling vulnerable. He looked back at Justin, rubbed a hand over his mouth nervously. "I was-" he chuckled at his nervousness, his vulnerability, then became serious again. "So fucking scared. All I could think was w-" He couldn't say it. He couldn't even say it, it was too fucking frightening. He touched Justin's shoulder. "Was 'Please, don't let anything happen to him."

A small noise escaped from Justin's throat. He seemed to know what Brian had been about to say. Justin looked up at him, blue eyes dulled with shock. Brian stepped closer, pulling Justin into a loose hug, exhaling cathartically and then closing his eyes and inhaling the sweet scent of Justin's shampoo. His brain was barely working right. God, he'd come so close to losing his Sunshine. Again.

He rocked slightly, swallowed thickly to hold back tears. "I love you." He said softly in Justin's ear, voice almost cracking. Justin whimpered a bit, inhaling. Brian's eyes widened. He hadn't realized that he'd said that. Shit. He'd said it. It had been there all along. Well, he meant it. He pulled back and looked at Justin. A small "Oh" of surprise and love came from Justin's mouth. He looked at his Sunshine and said this time with more conviction, "I love you."

Justin smiled, teary-eyed, and kissed him. It was the truth. Brian knew it had been the truth all along, that the night they had met had changed him. He knew that the trick who never left was meant to stay. He looked at Justin again, making sure he knew this. Justin pulled him close and kissed him again, longer this time.

Then they just held each other, happy to know they were alive. Everyone else seemed to disappear, and they were the only ones in the universe and they only saw each other. Brian didn't regret his declaration. He did love Justin. It had taken him so long to admit it, but he did. It pained him to be without his Sunshine. The thought of ever losing him scared Brian shitless. Justin was his and, now, he was Justin's. He didn't want anyone or anything taking that away.


End file.
